I wish I had something constant sometimes. Turns out, Kip & I will not be marrying this summer. I sucks that in any endeavor you choose, actually doing it depends on how much money you do or do not have. My parents, never in my lifetime, will be able to afford a wedding. Kip & I are floating our own. We also cannot sufficiently support ourselves on our own. By $100. That's it. A measley $100 a month. My mind is so screwed up now. My heart is pretty broken, too. I just don't know what to do. As far as my whole being was concerned, I was planning a wedding, looking for a place to live, and going to get married in 6 months. But after one shattered attempt at a wedding after another, it finally came to be impossible. So now, the trick is getting my body and mind and heart back into neutral mode and prepare them all for another year and six months of dating the boy I'm supposed to be marrying. I wish something in life, just once, would go the way I want it to.

I may not be working at Chick-fil-A much longer.

I'll explain.

About a week ago, I inquired on obtaining a possible management position. Surprisingly, I was told that if I can be on the ball and work on improving my performance in every possible way, I have a strong possibility of being promoted on September 1st. That's sooner than I expected, especially since I wasn't expecting to be promoted at all, I just wanted to see if I had the chance.

Well, since then, knowing that I'm being watched carefully, I've been insanely stressed out. Work is so much harder and I'm constantly being expected to be someone I'm not. I have a feeling that most of this is all in my head, but for some reason, ever since I was given this opportunity, I have sucked at work. I've been unmotivated and unable to motivate. No one listens to me when I ask them to do things and I have had such a hard time staying on task and making sure everything is going smoothly. This is so unlike me. I dread going into work everyday because I know how hard it's going to be. Working fast food is very trying to begin with, but when you feel as if you have to prove yourself to everyone and be perfect at all times--it's even harder.

I've always loved my job, but I absolutely hate it right now. I'm feeling the pressure to prove myself, but I'm unable to. I'm being micromanaged out the butthole by two of my managers and one of my fellow team leaders. I don't know if they know what I'm trying for or not, but it's very difficult to stand out when I'm being ordered around. I do have the words "team leader" on my nametag. That does NOT mean I'm only good for giving police discounts and babysitting team members. I've earned my title rightfully and I deserve to be trusted. I'm sick of being told what to do like I'm a team member. I can manage on my own. That IS my job.

All of this has gotten me to thinking, though. Do I really want to try this hard for a managing position right now? My mind is not where it needs to be, I'm thinking about a million other things and I really need to focus on school this year. I can't commit to being a manager and not have a flexible schedule. It's something I've always wanted, but I think I'm going to have to turn it down. Sure, maybe over 2 and a half years, I can prove myself to the owner that I have what it takes to do everything in my power to take care of his store, his reputation, his customers and his employees, and to do all of that according to Chick-fil-A's rules and guidlines. I already do my best to do that. However, in the next two and a half months, I cannot. Even I have seen my deplorable work lately and I hate it.

I've also been thinking about why I want to be a manager at a fast food restaurant so badly. I've realized it's because I'm afraid of change; not because I love my job. I do love my job, but not enough to do this for the rest of my life. I hate smelling like chicken. I hate the stress of working fast food. I hate working with teenagers all of the time. I absolutely hate how many children come in, and I hate how our managers always get their panties in a bunch about nothing. They make our work environment miserable. The only manager who doesn't, Kevin, is leaving in the Spring and moving to Chicago to open his own store. Without him there, I really don't think I have any reason to stay. He's the only one who believes in me anyway. He's the only reason I am even a team leader.

I think I'm going to do a paid internship next year through inVision AU at an accounting firm. I just want to see what else the world may have in store for me. I'm not ready to make such a huge commitment to a place I've worked at since I was 17 before I'm even out of college yet. I want to try big girl things. So, you know what? I'm going to.

I'm also very ready to move back in to school. I'm so excited to start again.